Psalm 119:96 Tuesday

"To all perfection I see a limit; but your commands are boundless." Psalm 119:96

My daddy didn’t believe in compliments—said giving them might go to your head. He was wrong; not giving them goes to your heart. I remember the day he told me he loved me unsolicited – it was June 14, 2005. I was fifty years old. It was such a red letter day I put it on my calendar and one year later actually wrote it in red so I could remind myself again. I made it a permanent red letter day. Reba McIntyre wrote a song several years ago called The Man I Never Knew about her dad—the man she never knew who lived down the hall; I could relate. My dad and I have gotten closer as I've gotten older, but it’s taken a long time getting here. I’ve heard statistics say that girls get their self-esteem from their fathers. So it stands to reason, little girls whose fathers don’t compliment them, see nothing but imperfections when there’s so much more. I was an over-achiever in grade school, high school and college. I pushed myself to do more and more and chastised myself when I made less than an A. I was trying to be that ethereal pefectionist, because I couldn't see anyone accepting me as anything less. I threw up before almost every test I took and every speech I gave. I spent my honeymoon night throwing up on the bathroom floor while Phil lay snoring in bed. Yes, I had nervous jitters but I was laden with fear of imperfection and fear of the unknown. I missed the first day of my first job with an upset stomach because of anxiety.

I grew up in a very conservative church – legalistic, saved by works and not by grace. I had to abide by a set of rules I could not keep. Every time I mastered one, my line always moved to another level I could not reach again. I felt so imperfect, less than God expected regardless of how hard I tried.

As a young adult, still saved by works and not by grace, I felt the harder I worked for God the more He loved me. So I worked and worked, never doing enough, seeing all the things I SHOULD be doing, but wondering how I could possibly do everything anyone asked me to do, without making them mad if I said no. I SHOULD myself to death. Then is when the panic attacks started and the doctor told me to learn how to say no – to go home, take five milligrams of valium and relax. He didn’t know I didn’t know how.

All of this from childhood to adulthood had an effect on my body. By the time I had my first colonoscopy in 1990 (I was 35) the doctor said I had the colon of a 55 year old woman -- that what was going on in my gut had been going on a long time; and it had. (I have been taught that whatever your thought process is, there is a parallel connection with some part of your body that’s affected. When I went to see Dr. Tapp for my colon, he noted that I kept saying, “I split a gut for my parents. I split a gut for my parents.” And he reminded me, my gut problems were the reason I came to see him in the first place.)

Satan’s three weapons are temptation, accusation and deception. Anyone who has found herself in bondage to Satan, constantly feeling inadequate to be his child, yet knowing they’re a child of the King, needs to read The Bondage Breaker, along with any other books written by Neil Anderson. The Bondage Breaker is a bit much for the younger audience to read, but the material can be adapted to their maturity level. When I first read the book I thought it was “way out there.” But now realize in my fifties it’s right on the money. Here is an excerpt from chapter nine.

“One of the most common attitudes I have discovered in Christians—even among pastors, Christian leaders, and their wives and children—is a deep-seated sense of self-depreciation. I’ve heard them say, “I’m not important, I’m not qualified, I’m no good.” I’m amazed at how many Christians are paralyzed in their witness and productivity by thoughts and feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.

“Next to temptation, perhaps the most frequent and insistent attack from Satan to which we are vulnerable is accusation. By faith we have entered into an eternal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. As a result, we are dead to sin and alive to God, and we now sit with Christ in the heavenlies. In Christ we are important, we are qualified, we are good. Satan can do absolutely nothing to alter our position in Christ and our worth to God. But he can render us virtually inoperative if he can deceive us into listening to and believing his insidious lies accusing us of being of little value to God or other people.

“Satan often uses temptation and accusation as a brutal one-two punch. He comes along and says, “Why don’t you try it? Everybody does it. Besides, you can get away with it. Who’s going to know?” Then as soon as we fall for his tempting line, he changes his tune to accusation: “What kind of a Christian are you to do such a thing? You’re a pitiful excuse for a child of God. You’ll never get away with it. You might as well give up because God has already given up on you.” page 141

When Dr. Pfohl said the words “Perfection is not a goal, it is a disorder,” I couldn’t believe my ears. They were words I couldn’t let myself believe. Never in my life had anyone given me permission to be less than perfect. I really thought I could be, that it was expected of me, and I was going to be one day if I just tried hard enough.

(part two)