Exodus 34:6 Friday

The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger ABOUNDING IN love AND FAITHFULNESS, Exodus 34:6

Please allow me to share what’s on my heart, that the Spirit is prompting me to write, for three specific reasons. First of all October 4 through October 10 is mental health awareness week and for anyone suffering from a form of mental illness, I think this will give you encouragement to press on. Secondly, I’ve asked each of you to share “your story” with the group so we can get to know each other better and I want you to know part of mine. And thirdly, I want to praise God for his faithfulness to me when I’ve needed to press on and didn’t want to. For those of you who’ve already heard most of this, I apologize in advance for boring you with rehashing my problems but I also want to thank you for being there when I’ve needed you. So I thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

I’ve lived with depression almost my entire life. I know, now, looking back that I suffered from depression even in grade school. I remember sitting at the supper table crying telling my mother I didn’t know why I was crying; I just was. I remember going to Louisville my junior or senior year of High School to perform at the Beta Convention and falling apart for no apparent reason the day of the performance. No. It wasn’t nervous jitters. It was something entirely different, much more serious than a teenager being a teenager, and un-called for. I was a mess. So, depression is something I have had to deal with my entire life. And it has gotten worse as I have gotten older.

I started on anti-depressants in the early 1990’s going to doctor after doctor for years before being diagnosed correctly. I realize now, that when I taught high school back in the seventies, the doctor put me on an anti-depressant, even though at the time I didn’t know he had. In 1984 is when the bottom fell out. Sparing you all the details (you can actually hear the entire story in the film series I videotaped in 1995, which I sell myself, called Becoming a Woman of Peace) I experienced a major situational depression within the depression I had lived with since childhood, that lasted ten years. Yes, it was suicidal. Did I ever attempt suicide? No I didn’t. But I did ask my husband, who is an avid gun collector and teacher of concealed carry classes, to remove the guns from the house. I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to live anymore. And there is a difference.

Approximately six years ago I was diagnosed with manic-depression, which I probably had had for a long time. But, because the highs felt so good, I thought they were “normal” and only went to the doctor when I was depressed. I didn’t consider them a problem until I went to a doctor who did. I disagreed with his diagnosis. Therefore, I went to other doctors only to come back years later, allowing him to treat me for the manic-depression. He is still my doctor today.
I am also obsessive compulsive—more obsessive than compulsive. There was one obsession I had, and still have to a degree, which I describe in great detail in the videos. Suffice it to say, it ruled my life and made me beyond miserable. How I ever survived I have no idea, except for God, who is how I’ve been able to live this “story.”

So with depression, manic-depression and OCD in my life, every day of my life, I have to cling to God who gives me hope to live this life. It is because of all these problems that I’ve developed my relationship with Him. Because of having depression and not wanting to get out of the house in the 1980’s and 1990’s, I stayed at home, trying to understand who God was, why I had depression and if a Christian could even suffer from depression in the first place. I got in the word and became a Bible student. Because I got to know God through His word I became a teacher. Because I became a teacher who loved to speak I became a speaker who spoke nationwide. Because I wanted to help others I taped a video series exposing my life, so I could help others who were afraid to open up and expose their own. I have now started The Titus 2 Group, hopefully because God has opened another door for me to help women grow closer to Him, maybe as a result of my honesty and willingness to share. Now, even yesterday I’ve been asked to teach English as a Second Language to the Burmese refugees by the now-head of the program, who’s a member of our church. God prepared me in advance that this was going to happen by allowing me to teach a small group at our church I started teaching two weeks ago. Now all I have to do is decide if I can teach from 8:30 am to 11:00 am four days a week, voluntarily. Why I couldn’t, comes from my next problem.

I have fibromyalgia, which if you have it, you know what it’s like. If you don’t, thank God you don’t. It is a miserable muscle disease some doctors call a sleep disorder because your sleep is so affected and such a major component. (Some doctors don’t even think it exists). When I do go to sleep my muscles gel, making it almost impossible to get out of bed. When I do get out of bed it takes me approximately two hours to wake up and get moving. I do not go to the nine o’clock Bible study on Sundays anymore because my body simply doesn’t cooperate. I feel badly that I can’t, but not guilty like I used to, because I know my salvation is based on a relationship with God, rather than keeping man’s rules. I’m in constant pain. It is described by those who have it as feeling like you have the flu all the time. I ache from head to toe. When I’ve been in a fiber-fog, which I’ve not been in for awhile, I’ve had to stay in bed for two weeks at a time, with my husband having to get behind me to move my legs so I can walk. I can’t think most of the time, especially if I’m in a fog, which explains the reason it’s called “fiber-fog.” Between being in a fog from the fibromyalgia and the medication I have to take for the manic-depression, I am usually grappling for words, which makes my speaking choppy and my writing difficult. I write in small sentences, usually with very simple words, probably on a fifth grade level. I don’t write or speak with the ease I used to. My thoughts are sporadic; they do not flow. This is the main reason I have chosen to go back to the way I did the meditations on Facebook. I simply chose the meditation for the week, highlighted the words to be meditated on for the day, and shared my own thoughts sparingly. I know the Spirit always renders a clear, concise understandable message when I cannot.

Why am I telling you this? Because throughout the years, God has been faithful to me revealing who He is through all my problems. He has never left nor forsaken me. He has provided for my every need, even before I needed it. He gave me a husband that stands by me and understands me even after thirty-four years. He has given me a will to live and a reason to live. He gave me the problems and planned my life around them, resulting in a ministry He planned for me in advance. He’s led me down paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. He has lifted me up when I’ve been down and He’s humbled me when I’ve been arrogant. He’s stood by my side through it all and carried me when I could not go any further. He created the church as a family that carries each other’s burdens and allowed me to be a part of one that has helped me carry mine. He gave me Jesus to save me and give me strength when I’m at my weakest. He’s given me children that, yes, I’ve passed some of this down to, who’ve seen me at my worst yet loved me and pray for me to get better every day. I believe He gave them to me and me to them because He knew we needed each other to fulfill His plan. He gave me a granddaughter to show me what to become in order to inherit the kingdom of Heaven.

While the earth remains,
Seedtime and harvest,
And cold and heat,
And summer and winter,
And day and night
Shall not cease. Genesis 8:22

God has always been faithful to me. He causes the sun to rise on the just and unjust and the sun to go down on me every day. He puts the rainbow in the sky, many of which I’ve seen recently, to reassure me He keeps His promises and to remind me of the covenant He made between Moses and all successive generations--that includes you and me.

My faith in God is what has sustained me for fifty-four years. It’s from being in the word of God, which is where faith comes from, that I have learned just how faithful God is. Without being in His word, I would not know His promises and without knowing the promises I would not have anything to hold onto. My illnesses have made me trust in His promises rather than in my body that has failed me for years. I long for the day when my faith becomes sight and all God’s promises are fulfilled.

I believe, along with Moses who told the Israelites, “that the Lord your God is God; he is the FAITHFUL God.”