Never, ever, ever do I have any money in my wallet, much less a one-hundred dollar bill, two twenties, and a five. But today was different, since two days ago my dad gave me money for Chrismas. Bella, as she always does during church on Sundays went through my purse taking out everything I had, including my wallet. She took out the credit cards – Marathon, Shell, Discover that I use as my entrance to Sam’s, my Kroger card, driver’s license, concealed carry permit (yes, my husband teaches the class now, but not when I got it), my auto insurance, health insurance and social security cards. Usually this is just our “to-entertain-Bella-during-the-Sunday-morning-worship-hour” ritual. But today Bella took it to another level.
I had always read about the widow who put in her two copper coins, known that she was poor, and, as Luke tells us, that she had put in more than all the others. “All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth,” he writes, “but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on.” Mark tells us the “many rich people threw in large amounts.” They didn’t put in small amounts; they put in large amounts. I remember the day I realized it said large amounts instead of small amounts, because then I knew the passage was about the heart instead of money. Today Bella put me in the same situation, as the rich people were in, having to make the same decision. Bella took out the twenty, held it out to me, and said “I can put this in the plate!” Then she took the other twenty and proudly said the same thing. And then she added the hundred and the five, held them all to her chest and was thrilled to death to put in her money, never knowing the lesson she was teaching Mammie. And I, like the rich people who threw in large amounts, failed the test. I asked Phil to give me a dollar, so she could put it in the plate.
I have spoken a lot lately about the Burmese and what they’ve taught me – saying they’ve taught me a lot – how instead of being blessed I’ve actually been greedy. And today, I wonder if it’s all been lip-service. I’m writing this entry not to encourage YOU and me to just become more like the poor widow; I’m writing to confess my sinfulness.
I am not the Christian I wish I were. I am not the Christian I know I need to become, but because Christ GAVE HIS ALL, I don’t have to, even though I feel, and am, guilty when I don't. And today I realized it more than ever. Even if I gave all one-hundred forty-five dollars, I could never give enough to pay the price he paid for my sins. It amazes me to think that I did NOT GIVE MY ALL, yet I'm still a conqueror. Yes I was guilty today. I wept because of the lesson Bella taught me. She in her innocence, showed me my guilt. “I myself, in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.” Today I realize, truly realize what Paul meant when he said, “What a wretched man I am!” Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God – through Jesus Christ our Lord”…will rescue me. “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus…”
I am guilty! I am guilty! I am guilty! I have more emotional knowledge right now than I have ever had in my life about what Jesus did when he paid it all. I cannot imagine how it must have felt, to be giving your all for people who were taking the very blood out of your veins. He was paying the price we could not pay. He was bearing shame to make us more than conquerors. Just how much he gave to make up for my selfishness, my sinfulness and my shame astounds me. Yes, today I felt shame, taking $145.00 away from Bella, allowing her to give only a dollar.
When I sat down to write this, I was overcome with guilt, not really knowing where this was going. But as I've written I think I know. I hear God saying to me, “Yes you are guilty, my child. But because my son died for you, giving HIS all, you are forgiven.”
I am crushed because today, I think I failed the test, unlike the widow who gave out of her poverty, much like the rich people who gave out of their wealth. But that's why God sent Jesus to Earth --
He paid a debt He did not owe,
I owed a debt I could not pay.
I needed someone to wash my sins away
And now I sing a brand new song:
Amazing Grace
All day long
Christ Jesus paid the debt
that I could never pay.
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